I really really don’t like uncertainty. You know, when you’re trying to finish something, reach an end, plan something, and then there is this missing information that means you can’t get it together, you can’t finish, you can’t reach your end goal. Those famous missing pieces of a puzzle, that’s what I’m talking about.
Those missing pieces, the uncertainty they bring about to the look of the total picture, they make me feel so totally down. Uncertainty makes me feel as lost as a compass needle gone crazy, swirling around around, pointing and looking in all directions trying to make sense of what’s around but in reality the consequence is only an added sense of nausea and a tingling feeling of circular references leading nowhere.
I like dealing with uncertainty, as in the actual task of finding the lacking information or even just the process of setting out to find the missing pieces. I guess because those steps are active and feed me with a sense of direction and purpose. They make me feel like I’m actually moving forward. But the part where it’s obvious the uncertainty is real and can’t be self resolved, that I just have to wait. Well, I really really don’t like that. I. Really. Don’t.
The thing that is so strange is that when in a situation of uncertainty, I seem to start doubting everything. Including the things that didn’t contain uncertainty before. So I start dwelling and doubting and questioning things that for one thing weren’t questioned just a while ago and often things that don’t have anything to do with the actual uncertainty at hand. It’s like my brain all of a sudden melts and is unable to compartmentalize anymore, like the barriers between different subjects are gone and things that don’t have anything to do with one another all of a sudden are linked and because the one is uncertain the other one must be as well. It’s very odd. It’s like where uncertainty comes in logic and ration go out and I turn into an unfocused worrier.
A nice thing with getting older is the fact that you’ve actually had quite some time to deal with and build experience of your own self, so you probably increasingly often learn to recognize your behavior and reactions in typical situations. So your insight into your own odd irrational behaviors should supposedly be pretty ok. Then it’s the matter of using that knowledge of course, that’s sometimes challenging. And if you don’t always manage, that’s ok, as long as you try, cause practice indeed does make perfect. In fact I was told that according to oriental beliefs the mind is ever evolving and that the mental age where you are even able to be at an equilibrium enough to know yourself that way isn’t till a bit over what us westerners call half a life time.
So don’t give up on yourself when you find what is your weakness, your element of my uncertainty, what throws you of your balance. But learn to recognize it. And respect it and yourself by not acting too fast on it.
I wise man once referred listening to the stupid thoughts and doubts when waking up with a hung over as dumb. I guess this is the same. Don’t listen to yourself when your weakness is talking. Just make sure you make it through the day, get a good nights sleep or two and then see if the feeling is still there before judging yourself too harsh. You’ll like yourself better. And make better decisions.
Did you already nail down what makes you emotionally hung over?